i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
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My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
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It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice