I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
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My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.