@TravLeBlanc

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

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@JohnLyonTweets

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

@thholyghost

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

@amselts

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

@minkpinkustink

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

@Lisabug74

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

@stevevsninjas

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

@NervousJr

How can you waste food when there are starving children in…ew onions.

@MJMcKean

I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.

@JimmerThatisAll

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”