I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

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*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV


me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you


*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*


bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies


Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.


Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.


How can you waste food when there are starving children in…ew onions.


I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.


“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”