I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody