I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?