I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean