People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
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Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.
My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok
Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I’m responsible for the deaths of 100’s local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
RANGER: Remember, don’t feed the bears
ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE’S RIPPING ME APART!
RANGER: What did I just say!?