I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
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ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s