I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

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“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.


A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.


Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.


ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear


My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”


Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.


The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.


Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security


I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.