@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

@JeremyKCMO

Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.

@girl_a_whirl

My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.

@joeheenan

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

@TuffyNyC

I’m responsible for the deaths of 100’s local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!

@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

@KeetPotato

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

@Brampersandon_

RANGER: Remember, don’t feed the bears

ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE’S RIPPING ME APART!

RANGER: What did I just say!?