I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor