I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
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Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.