@jenkingtonjones

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

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@EliTerry

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

@mollandra

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

@spinubzilla

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

@ScaryMommy

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

@WheelTod

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

@fro_vo

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

@YSylon

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

@shawnspree

My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won’t let me send back wedding RSVP cards.