what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet