I prepare my daughter for disappointment by always giving her the iPad with a 4% charge.

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Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.


[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife


A friend of mine in California manages a business that lets “influencers” sit on a parked jet and take pictures, so they can pretend they’re flying private.

He’s completely booked solid for the next 3 months. He said the clients are some of the most famous celebs on earth.


I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.


ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?


Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.


McDonalds can’t extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.


Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass


Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.