@salamingia: I prepare my daughter for disappointment by always giving her the iPad with a 4% charge.
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@pleatedjeans: At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
@ImABaconDonut: 5: I went potty. Me: Did you remember to wipe this time? 5: No. Me: Why? 5: It's faster my way. I don't know how to counter that argument.
@astutenewf: My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.
@TheDizzyBeauty: Thank God for semi colon's. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn't exist?