Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[first day as a cop]
me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance
dispatch: copy that
me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.
Which is absurd.
Plus, they’re ugly.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I have a big butt and I can not lie.
cop: you’re free to go
cop: go on now
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*