I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.