@kimtopher22

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

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@ThatMummyLife

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

@Brewsker

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

@ambamthankyamam

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance

dispatch: copy that

me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer

@_BurnsWhenIPee

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

@NervousJr

Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.

@ilovepie84

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

@humanaaron

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(