I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
All generalizations are stupid.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Best spoiler warning ever
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend