I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
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I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
no one ever comes back
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.