I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
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HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet