What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.