Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
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A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I know
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat