I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.