7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it