God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
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*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
podcasts
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?