I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
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If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter