I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
A new level of troll.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.