I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
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[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like