People that have their kids on a leash get very defensive when you pet them.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
*gives 4 year old niece a My Little Pony*
Niece: Can it talk?
*slaps it out of her hands*
Me: Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
God: you’re a unicorn.
Unicorn: lmao corn?
God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.
Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!
Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.
God: [whispers] cancelled.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
3yo: daddy someone is texting you
[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
king: [panicking] how many men?