@ShortSleeveSuit

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

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@AimeeHelene1

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

@GoddessTitty

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

@AsYouNotWish

I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.

@TheToddWilliams

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

@DeanScott01

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.

@rad_milk

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

@Godhatespants

I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets

@EmilioEmm

It’s HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It’s the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble.

@crunchenhanced

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.