I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

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Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.



Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything


I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.


Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?


Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.


i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters


I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets


It’s HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It’s the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble.


It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.