idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
You Might Also Like
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Webb. James Webb.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.