I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
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Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes