I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer