I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
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me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.