I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
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COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Coffee is ready.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water