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Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.


Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!


*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*


Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?


My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.


Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.


[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex


Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America


Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.