When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
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Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot