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@jasonroeder

When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

@Mom_Overboard

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

@Holy_Mowgli

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

@Darlainky

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

@SvnSxty

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

@markleggett

I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.

@MomofTeen

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

@DvuslyMarvelous

[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Me:
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot