You Might Also Like

@AmishPornStar1

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

@QwertyJones3

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

@Fred_Delicious

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

@MomOnFire

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

@_Water_Baby

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

@somecleverthing

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

@House_Feminist

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

@fro_vo

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.