I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
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I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing