I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
emergency phone
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Important
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”