@IvoryGazelle

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

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@TheAlexNevil

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

@alovablenerd

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

@velweb

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

@SergioValenCo

Girls love when you hug them from behind and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Strangers, not so much.

@TheToddWilliams

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

@A_Bit_Too_Rude

*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*

@Zwolf666

Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.

@Cheeseboy22

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

@daemonic3

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

@ericsshadow

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.