I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
welp
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.