Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Seductively sings in Klingon.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
good work, everybody
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.