Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
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[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.