@iamjohnsarris

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

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@mortimermaiden

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

@GrantTanaka

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

@HenpeckedHal

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

@AbrasiveGhost

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

@gramnoc

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

@HonestToddler

Tonight’s bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.

@TheThomason

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

@Petote

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.