Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Tonight’s bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.