I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
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A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
new career option?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Saw online –
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean