@underfleeker

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

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@Ixwie

Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point

@J0hnnyBlaze

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

@Thynebear

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

@bacon_gillepic

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

@ericONEderful

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

@fordm

BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime

ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—

BRUCE: Bring me a cape

@Storminika

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first