I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
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Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?