I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
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Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
what could possibly go wrong?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
lol
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!