I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
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[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Duck typos.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Why am I like this?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.