I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me

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BOSS: why were you late?

ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic


[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek


I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world


Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”


Me- “who’s the expert now?”


My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.


The thing about eating broken cookies is there’s no way to know how many you had.

“You ate the whole ba-”



God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot


Me: How are you?

Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*


[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house