👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.