BOSS: why were you late?
ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
The thing about eating broken cookies is there’s no way to know how many you had.
“You ate the whole ba-”
THERE’S NO WAY TO KNOW.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Me: How are you?
Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*
[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house