I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

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I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in


I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.


Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.


I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.


Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots


Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.


I’m mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don’t tell me how hard your life is


If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.


i’m undressing you with my ey… oh god, no no no i’m redressing you.


“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.