@moooooog35

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

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@Sean_Burgundy_

I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in

@junejuly12

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

@Maxine12339

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

@TheMichaelRock

I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.

@jessokfine

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

@SwirlySkittles

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

@PoliUncorrect

I’m mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don’t tell me how hard your life is

@NotthatAdamWest

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

@thom_the_jew

i’m undressing you with my ey… oh god, no no no i’m redressing you.

@thepaulasuzanne

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.