I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”