@moooooog35

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

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@faizziy

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

@LionJenkins

Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!

Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.

911: What’s your emergency?

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@LeonEarlgrey

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

@brynnester

[Flight]
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

@Kendragarden

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

@Beatonm5

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??