My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!
Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.
911: What’s your emergency?
when you’re about to get eaten by a shark but then u see bae watching
me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??