@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

You Might Also Like

@GoodZiIIa

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

@Gen22

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

@Staggfilms

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

@mrjohndarby

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

@MarioInAZ

I assume everybody appreciates free snacks, so when I see someone yawning I throw a piece of black licorice in their mouth.

@CulturedRuffian

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

@ksujulie

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?