I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

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[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running


McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.


It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.


[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too


waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal


I assume everybody appreciates free snacks, so when I see someone yawning I throw a piece of black licorice in their mouth.


* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!



[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]


11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?