I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”