@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

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@MooseAllain

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

@ericsshadow

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

@Knob_ish

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

@iwearaonesie

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

@HeidiCF8

I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.

@hpb777

Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.

@mdob11

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

@david8hughes

Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time