Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.