@TeahLhompson

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

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@DevinRange

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

@Ygrene

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

@blaha_Who

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

@Parkerlawyer

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

@Henry_3k

*Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*

@GinAndJif

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

@JaneEJuanita

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”