@TeahLhompson

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

@SvnSxty

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

@Surhailo

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

@Gupton68

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

@ZennethNevers

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

@karatechopmonk

I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn’t like it