My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.