@ibid78

I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.

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@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

@Gupton68

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The beginning is all romance & flowers, but after about 10 yrs it’s mostly just checking each other’s backs for suspicious moles.

@dollfaceiam

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

@AlisWay

ok so when a guy marries four women does he wear four rings or just ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL?

@shariv67

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.

@UnFitz

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.