Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.
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Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
The beginning is all romance & flowers, but after about 10 yrs it’s mostly just checking each other’s backs for suspicious moles.
I just put BOTH my legs into one pajama pant leg…making me a MERMAID!
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
ok so when a guy marries four women does he wear four rings or just ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL?
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I hate when that happens.