I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.

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ME: I trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: abbreviate Maine

CAT: me-

ME: what I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: just wait

CAT: we’re just getting started Linda


Interviewer: Where did you receive your education?

Me: Yale

Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate?

Me: I yust got out in Yuly


5yo: “Mom, will you get me a yogurt?”
Me: “You’re closer to the fridge.”
5yo: *moves to the other side of the room* “Now you’re closer.”


Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.


Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”


Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.