I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.

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-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house


[Enters Building]
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”


If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.


I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.



cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston


some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what


Son: room’s clean

Me: u better not have thrown everything in ur closet

S: I didnt

M:*checks* nice, but wheres everything

S: in ur closet


There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.