I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
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[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.