I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
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I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Life hack
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama