[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Body by Oreos
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
This is my brand.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.