Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?