I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
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When my kids ask me anything before coffee
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Saturday
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
5 ways to appear taller
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat